The Double Standards When Dating Outside of the South Sudanese Community

Australian-South Sudanese model Adut Akech is reportedly in a relationship with Nigerian Afrobeats artist, Runtown. Unsurprisingly, this news has shook the insecurity deep within the core of South Sudanese men (not all). Disapprovals for her dating choice ranged from ‘our 500 cows are gone,’ to ‘she will be dumped.’

I am going to write generally, rather than write on the individual case of Adut Akech. I am doing this because I do not know Adut Akech, nor do I know anything about her alleged relationship. I also admire and respect her for the success she has achieved in the modelling industry. I don’t want to undermine that at all, so I will just be writing about South Sudanese women dating outside of the community, and the double standards around it.

So the topic has been incredibly controversial, and I have made a few comments here and there on Twitter and Facebook but what pushed me to write this piece, is the continuous insistence of some men that Adut or others like her, will be dumped by the outsider that she is dating. This continuous insistence, plus the glorious references and suggestions that South Sudanese men are somehow better and do not dump or break the heart of their girls, cannot be generalised. In addition to that, South Sudanese men are also prone to behaving the way some have accused Nigerians of; using women for money, having baby mamas, having side families and side chicks etc. This is not a generalisation of South Sudanese men, but this does happen within the community.

Some of the arguments against Adut or any other South Sudanese woman in an interracial, intercultural or interethnic relationship, just aren’t strong enough. Saying the woman will be dumped is just not good enough. Relationship breakups and divorces do happen between South Sudanese. So finding a much more plausible reason for why South Sudanese women should remain within the community, should be used if you really want to make a convincing argument.

Let us also get it straight that the concern for South Sudanese women marrying or dating outside of the community, has little to do with our wellbeing, but rather, more to do with the sense of ownership South Sudanese men have over South Sudanese women. This fake concern is veiling the belief that South Sudanese women and their choices, should be managed, and that South Sudanese women, should only be available to South Sudanese men. The level of anger evoked by some of the dating choices of South Sudanese women, really shows a chord has been struck, and reflects a troubling reality within our society. Women and girls in South Sudan can get killed for making a choice, whether it is choosing the man of their dreams or choosing not to get married off. I am just not convinced that all of this outcry is for our protection and wellbeing, but more so for culture and the ego of South Sudanese men.

What is incredibly ironic as well is that South Sudanese men (not all), also have particular standards that some women may not meet for various reasons. Some of these standards include house wife material, a woman who lets a man take the lead, a woman who is not too educated, a woman who is not ‘old,’ a woman who is not too successful etc. I have personally been told not to become too successful or I will not get married. The reality is that as a South Sudanese woman, when you reach a certain educational level or tax bracket, your dating options become more limited. You also tend to look for someone on the same or higher level as yourself. This is not the fault of South Sudanese women, but the insecurities of South Sudanese men (I repeat, not all men).

Lastly, let us not forget the double standards that comes with South Sudanese dating outside of the community. AFL star Majak Daw, is married to a non-South Sudanese. Yet South Sudanese men or women did not take to social media to write comments or think-pieces on his personal choice. I will also give another example that actually amuses me until this day. A South Sudanese man can marry outside of the community, publish photos with his wife, and he and his wife are met with praises and other respectful comments. I have seen South Sudanese women posting similar content with their non-South Sudanese partner. Yet some of the responses could not be any more different. Comments included, ‘not enough South Sudanese men?’ or ‘you could not find a South Sudanese man?’ Basically, South Sudanese men do not get the same level of criticism for marrying outside of the community compared to South Sudanese women and that is a fact.

This phenomenon feeds into the cultural belief that the patrilineal lineage is far more important than the maternal lineage; South Sudanese men can marry outside of the community, and their wives will then be considered a part of their community. Women are not afforded the same, they are seen as traitors because they join an outside community, losing their place in South Sudanese society. This causes all feelings of rejection and anger in South Sudanese men (not all) that some of their ‘best’ ladies or women are taken by outsiders.

I cannot shy away from the fact that there are added benefits to dating within your own community for a number of reasons, which again, cannot be generalised. I have never dated outside of the South Sudanese community and that has been my personal choice, but I know for a fact that some South Sudanese men, are also prone to playing, betraying and breaking the hearts of women. We must accept the reality that men are men wherever we go, and some men are better than others wherever they are. Being within your own community can offer you protection and familiarity, but let us judge choices on a case by case basis.

Bottom line is, people will make choices that fits their preferences, educational level or tax bracket. In addition, quite a number of us are being exposed to other countries and cultures, particularly those living in the wider Diaspora. We adapt and adopt to contexts that are not South Sudan-centred. We build our entire lives in the Diaspora, and we fall in love either out of choice or lack of options. That is the reality. This has been happening long before and will continue to happen long after. So please, leave Adut alone. Adut is our girl, and took the modelling world by storm. She needs to be protected. All these ‘jokes,’ memes and think-pieces on why she should stay in the community are disrespectful and harmful. She is young, living her best life, and her choices should be respected.

4 thoughts on “The Double Standards When Dating Outside of the South Sudanese Community

  1. Have gone through your beautiful writing, I ‘m left me with no truth to add. Indeed, dating or falling in love, especially in our contemporary world should be viewed with eyes of 21st century. Love is about making a choice that suits your desire.
    And Indeed, where one grows primary constitute most of his/her behaviours most of the time!

    What is very important is asking ourselves wether our girl or our boy got the right person in that distant community or society.
    Home is the best, but sometimes choosing outside home can be a golden chance!

    Like

  2. Thanks for that wonderful piece of writing. I’m at peace with the fact that you are not dating outside the South Sudanese community. You have a lot to contribute to South Sudan. You see, culture is the epicentre of every society in that it holds how it operates, and however much we want to challenge, criticize or deny it, it will always be the case. As you have mentioned in your writing, when a wife gets married, she belongs to her husband’s community and that means her education and wealth will only benefit the community in which she got married into. This is not only practical in South Sudan but most of the African countries, Nigeria included. Imagine Adut Aketch or any other educated, well-established South Sudanese girl being denied a very important position because she is married to a foreigner? The fear is not about her choice of marriage but what she loses in the community where she comes from when chooses to marry outside it. That’s how it works here and it will take time to change. So if you have South Sudan at heart and you are girl child, you might want to weigh your options between choosing your community or your partner. Yes, some of us, me included, disagree with it but change is a gradual process and who knows it might take another fifty years.
    Secondly, I consider anyone born in the western world as half South Sudanese and they will not fully comprehend why we do things the way we do them in South Sudan because what comes to the minds of such individuals, when they see things done differently, is a comparison between where she grew up and what she sees being practised where she comes from.No culture is superior or less than the other. If it is true that Adut is in a relationship with Runtown and she respects her culture then They will still get married accordingly.
    That being said, All of us are entitled to our opinions but in the end, the decision lies with the persons involved alongside consequences. So our Facebook comments, memes, and tweets won’t change anything.

    Like

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