The Double Standards When Dating Outside of the South Sudanese Community

Australian-South Sudanese model Adut Akech is reportedly in a relationship with Nigerian Afrobeats artist, Runtown. Unsurprisingly, this news has shook the insecurity deep within the core of South Sudanese men (not all). Disapprovals for her dating choice ranged from ‘our 500 cows are gone,’ to ‘she will be dumped.’

I am going to write generally, rather than write on the individual case of Adut Akech. I am doing this because I do not know Adut Akech, nor do I know anything about her alleged relationship. I also admire and respect her for the success she has achieved in the modelling industry. I don’t want to undermine that at all, so I will just be writing about South Sudanese women dating outside of the community, and the double standards around it.

So the topic has been incredibly controversial, and I have made a few comments here and there on Twitter and Facebook but what pushed me to write this piece, is the continuous insistence of some men that Adut or others like her, will be dumped by the outsider that she is dating. This continuous insistence, plus the glorious references and suggestions that South Sudanese men are somehow better and do not dump or break the heart of their girls, cannot be generalised. In addition to that, South Sudanese men are also prone to behaving the way some have accused Nigerians of; using women for money, having baby mamas, having side families and side chicks etc. This is not a generalisation of South Sudanese men, but this does happen within the community.

Some of the arguments against Adut or any other South Sudanese woman in an interracial, intercultural or interethnic relationship, just aren’t strong enough. Saying the woman will be dumped is just not good enough. Relationship breakups and divorces do happen between South Sudanese. So finding a much more plausible reason for why South Sudanese women should remain within the community, should be used if you really want to make a convincing argument.

Let us also get it straight that the concern for South Sudanese women marrying or dating outside of the community, has little to do with our wellbeing, but rather, more to do with the sense of ownership South Sudanese men have over South Sudanese women. This fake concern is veiling the belief that South Sudanese women and their choices, should be managed, and that South Sudanese women, should only be available to South Sudanese men. The level of anger evoked by some of the dating choices of South Sudanese women, really shows a chord has been struck, and reflects a troubling reality within our society. Women and girls in South Sudan can get killed for making a choice, whether it is choosing the man of their dreams or choosing not to get married off. I am just not convinced that all of this outcry is for our protection and wellbeing, but more so for culture and the ego of South Sudanese men.

What is incredibly ironic as well is that South Sudanese men (not all), also have particular standards that some women may not meet for various reasons. Some of these standards include house wife material, a woman who lets a man take the lead, a woman who is not too educated, a woman who is not ‘old,’ a woman who is not too successful etc. I have personally been told not to become too successful or I will not get married. The reality is that as a South Sudanese woman, when you reach a certain educational level or tax bracket, your dating options become more limited. You also tend to look for someone on the same or higher level as yourself. This is not the fault of South Sudanese women, but the insecurities of South Sudanese men (I repeat, not all men).

Lastly, let us not forget the double standards that comes with South Sudanese dating outside of the community. AFL star Majak Daw, is married to a non-South Sudanese. Yet South Sudanese men or women did not take to social media to write comments or think-pieces on his personal choice. I will also give another example that actually amuses me until this day. A South Sudanese man can marry outside of the community, publish photos with his wife, and he and his wife are met with praises and other respectful comments. I have seen South Sudanese women posting similar content with their non-South Sudanese partner. Yet some of the responses could not be any more different. Comments included, ‘not enough South Sudanese men?’ or ‘you could not find a South Sudanese man?’ Basically, South Sudanese men do not get the same level of criticism for marrying outside of the community compared to South Sudanese women and that is a fact.

This phenomenon feeds into the cultural belief that the patrilineal lineage is far more important than the maternal lineage; South Sudanese men can marry outside of the community, and their wives will then be considered a part of their community. Women are not afforded the same, they are seen as traitors because they join an outside community, losing their place in South Sudanese society. This causes all feelings of rejection and anger in South Sudanese men (not all) that some of their ‘best’ ladies or women are taken by outsiders.

I cannot shy away from the fact that there are added benefits to dating within your own community for a number of reasons, which again, cannot be generalised. I have never dated outside of the South Sudanese community and that has been my personal choice, but I know for a fact that some South Sudanese men, are also prone to playing, betraying and breaking the hearts of women. We must accept the reality that men are men wherever we go, and some men are better than others wherever they are. Being within your own community can offer you protection and familiarity, but let us judge choices on a case by case basis.

Bottom line is, people will make choices that fits their preferences, educational level or tax bracket. In addition, quite a number of us are being exposed to other countries and cultures, particularly those living in the wider Diaspora. We adapt and adopt to contexts that are not South Sudan-centred. We build our entire lives in the Diaspora, and we fall in love either out of choice or lack of options. That is the reality. This has been happening long before and will continue to happen long after. So please, leave Adut alone. Adut is our girl, and took the modelling world by storm. She needs to be protected. All these ‘jokes,’ memes and think-pieces on why she should stay in the community are disrespectful and harmful. She is young, living her best life, and her choices should be respected.

A friend today and an enemy tomorrow

Original posting: 17th May 2014

This is my written story of comradeship, one which is summarised by late Dr John Garang’s quote, ‘stabbed the movement on the back.’ Perhaps this is with slight comparison to what is currently occurring in South Sudan. You are free to interpret it in any way you want to.

Blaise Compaoré is the serving president of Burkina Faso (Land of Upright Man).

His position didn’t come about with honesty, a ploliti(ri)cs comprising of dignity and fairness (theoretical democracy, because is democracy ever a practiced system, even in the deemed epitome of democracy, our ‘beloved’ and ‘hailed’ West?).

Compaoré was a comrade of Thomas Sankara, first president of Burkina Faso, the ‘African Che Guevera’, Thomas Sankara.

A Marxist and military president, Sankara, had a revolutionary plan extending beyond the borders of The Land of the Upright Men. He reiterated the importance of self-reliance and self-sustainability. Sankara also included women in the movement, famously stating that ‘women hold up the other half of the sky’.

The French disapproved of Sankara, from a distance (with combined silence and calculated moves), did what they always did and everywhere else; use trickery, treacherous behaviour to achieve their aims.

Compaoré was consumed by the need for power and the appealing offers from the French, while unconcerned with the rest of the nation or the vision for Africa by Sankara.

Compaoré orchestrated the killing of Sankara in a coup d’état, illustrating (perhaps truthfully) that Sankara’s rule of Burkina Faso, was affecting the nation’s relations with the French.

After his death, Compaoré (still in power today) returned Burkina Faso to puppet nation status; a lap dog to the French.

As I conclude the story, I recall a quote by Sankara, a quote unforgotten, a quote with much relevance today; ‘while revolutionaries as individuals can be murdered, you cannot kill (their) ideas’.

This rings true with particular relevance to South Sudan, as Dr John Garang read on Sankara and recalled his words and his ideas…

While he himself has transitioned to ancestral realms, his ideas and his vision hasn’t died as many still try to recall his vision (much of which came from Sankara as well).

The moral of the story is, one who is your comrade today can be your enemy tomorrow.

A snake will always be a snake no matter how much you feed it and take care of it. One’s true nature will always come to the surface like a wild cat which can never truly be tamed.